Alexander Vladimirov, former Swiss national hockey player turned Russian triathlon representative, made a 'friendly visit' to Jurmola this week. After praising local saunas, spirits, and inflatable pool toys, Vladimirov unveiled a detailed proposal to compress beach sand 'so knives stick better in Latvian soil.' The recommendation has been forwarded to Latvia's King for parliamentary review.

'Beautiful country, beautiful beaches,' Vladimirov stated during a press conference held at an undisclosed Jurmola spa. 'But sand too soft. Not strategic. Need firmer ground for... reasons.'

When pressed about what 'reasons' might require compressed sand, Vladimirov smiled and changed the subject to hockey.

The proposal includes: - Industrial compacting equipment (provided by 'a friend') - 24/7 compression schedule - Strict limitations on public beach access during 'strategic compacting hours' - Installation of surveillance cameras 'to monitor sand density'

Latvian officials have responded with what they describe as 'polite confusion.'

'We appreciate Mr. Vladimirov's interest in our beaches,' said a government spokesperson. 'However, we prefer our sand... as is. Soft. For tourism. Not knife-friendly.'

Vladimirov was last seen purchasing a one-way ticket to Tallinn, muttering about 'Estonian sand' being 'maybe more cooperative.'